What Not to Give for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming up: a scary thought if you’ve ever been the recipient or the giver of one or more questionable gifts.

As I’ve said repeatedly,” gift-giving is a skill for which most men are not factory equipped.”

Some women aren’t much better.

To make matters worse, there’re companies out there encouraging the boneheaded to buy tasteless, useless and insulting products.

As a public service, I am offering the following advice to anyone who needs help on February 14. I think it’s safe to say that none of the following will warm your Valentine’s heart or any other part of the anatomy. Purchase at your own risk.

For $9.65, (marked down from $15.95) you might be tempted to gift the Valentine Chia Pet from Walmart. (Fortunately, they were out-of-stock at last report.)

Nothing infantilizes a woman or man like a teddy bear, even a teddy bear wearing a naughty t-shirt. This one’s $22.97 with free shipping from Amazon.

Also from Amazon is the “Women’s Lingerie Bow Racy Underwear Spice Sleepwear Suit Temptation Nightwear.” The web copy, written in ESL, is worth the $2.25 price of the garment.

Billed as “romantic,” this roll of toilet paper is decorated with “I Love You from Top to Bottom.” It’s just $16.71 at Amazon Prime, with one-day shipping. (Buyer beware. One review says the printing on the first part of the roll was clear, but faded further down the roll.)

Just what no one never wanted: Fun Express Mini Heart “Relaxable” Balls — only $9.31 for a 36-pack. Again, exercise caution. Reviews say the little balls have a strong odor and the ink is smeared on some of them.

And who doesn’t want to receive a Thigh Master from his or her beloved? They’re available at Bed Bath & Beyond for $8.99.But if you’re a big spender, you’ll go for the $34.99 Suzanne Somers ThighMaster Gold. And for $10 more, you might as well throw in the ThighMaster LBX (ButtMaster).

So many choices, so little taste.

As for me, I’d be happy with a simple bouquet of flowers. (Quick, someone tell Jack Schindler.)